If I had a heart I could love you

Note: this was originally published in Weighted Tangents, my Substack newsletter, which you can subscribe to here.

Also: no Vikings spoilers in this post!

I started watching Vikings seven years ago, and tore through the first three seasons before faltering in the fourth. Part of it was general life tumult, and part of it was that season four is a transition season. Not only did the series expand from 8—10 episodes a season to a solid 20 episodes, new characters started to come into their own. While these storylines made sense on paper, the on-screen implementation is ham-handed and it’s clear the writers weren’t fully confident in pacing out 20 hours of content.

But after demolishing all five seasons of The Last Kingdom in matter of weeks this past summer, I was on the prowl for more late-9th century Viking content. Seeing as it had been years since I had watched Vikings, I pressed play on season 1, episode 1 and swore that this time I would at least make it through season four. Although I faltered in the same places and had to take a several month break midway through, I got back into the series by enjoying each episode as it unfolded rather than thinking of it as “45 hours of TV” to work through.

It should come as no surprise then that once I start investing time into something I tend to see it through, even if I’m having a bad time and even if I have to take breaks along the way. I will hate-read a book, finish a god-awful movie, and stay in a toxic workplace because goddammit I made a commitment and there’s a chance it might get better.

There are positive spins on this as well, most of which come up when I try to learn something. Take Python, for example. I’ve tried (and failed) to “learn Python” so many times that I’ve lost count. The closest I’ve come to fluency was during my time at Kaggle, when I started to get into deep learning. I was struggling but having fun, getting lots of support, and realizing that there was some really cool stuff I could build. I invested an incredible amount of time learning everything I could about deep learning, however at a point where things were about to take off I changed jobs. Regrets? I have them.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, where I was told re-familiarizing myself with deep learning was now a job-related endeavor, and it’s been delightful to find how much easier it’s been to get back into things. The work I had done previously in learning the terminology, concepts, and fundamentals is paying dividends because now I can focus on the code. I don’t need to stop and look up every third word I read, because I’ve already covered most of that ground.

I’m also two episodes away from finishing the sixth and final season of Vikings, and loving it. Pushing through season four was a challenge, but it laid the groundwork for so many interesting things to come. The storytelling, the special effects, and the cinematography in seasons five and six are breathtaking.

All of this talk of Vikings and Python is a set-up for my current progression in animation. I originally started this newsletter as a way to share my learning journey as a student in the 3D character animation program at Animation Mentor. All I could talk about for the last six months has been 3D character animation - I was in love with what I was doing!

These past two months have been drastically different. I can’t think of a single moment where I’ve enjoyed what I was doing, and after dumping 50+ hours into an animation I’d walk away from it disgruntled and disappointed. Sharing and talking about what I had created were the furthest things from my mind - I just wanted to forget I had even made it.

This isn’t an indictment of the school or the caliber of the coursework, as both are relatively high. But the time required to be successful in this program is intense, and the majority of students do not work while enrolled. For me personally, turning in a shot that met the minimum requirements meant I was working on my assignment four or five hours a night, Monday through Friday, with another 10—12 hours on Saturday, and then spending several hours on Sunday doing the reading and watching the lectures. This isn’t necessarily that much of a difference from last quarter, but the months of September through December come with a lot of built-in time off. I hadn’t realized it at the time, but between three day weekends, PTO, and two major holidays, it was easier to modulate my workload.

Thankfully the school has an excellent support system, and after talking through my options I submit a withdrawal from the term and am officially “on break”. I had built up this false sense of commitment around finishing the program on time and with my cohort of peers that was entirely arbitrary and weighing me down. I’m not in this because I dream of one day being a 3D character animator, but because 3D character animation is one of many skills I’m interested in picking up as part of my broader animation journey.

Will I go back to my coursework at this particular school? Probably. Will it be any time soon? Probably not. I’ll likely take the spring and summer off and pick back up next fall, and progress through the six-course sequence that way. Sure it’ll take me six (or more!) years to finish, but I’ve got plenty to keep me busy in the meantime. Not only do I still have access to the lectures, resource library, rigs, and various avenues of feedback from school, I’ve now got time to sharpen up my drawing and painting skills, attempt some generative art with Processing, dabble with 2D animation, and take Cinema 4D out for a spin.